Originally Posted by Jack Crist (a.k.a. “The Dave Metzler of SEX”)SEX: LIVE! (06/01/2009)
John Cena comes out. Despite the overwhelming ovation he receives from the audience, Cena does not seem happy at all. Cena admits that he damaged his neck during his match against Brock Lesnar at Evolution. However, Cena still plans to invoke his rematch clause for tonight to reclaim the SEX Heavyweight Championship. HBK comes out and regretfully informs Cena that he cannot invoke his rematch clause unless Lesnar holds the title.
HBK explains that Cena’s rematch clause contractually applies to a rematch against Lesnar and only Lesnar. This infuriates Cena, who struggles to maintain his composure. HBK reveals that Lesnar has already announced that he will invoke his rematch clause for a rematch against Bobby Lashley at King of Kings. To sweeten the deal for Cena, HBK announces that Cena will be the special referee in the match. However, HBK urges Cena to be impartial.
Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews Bobby Lashley about winning the SEX Heavyweight Championship. Lashley explains that he did what he had to do to make a statement. He claims that he is not worried about a rematch against Brock Lesnar. Lashley promises to be a fighting champion and defeat any challenger for his title. Lashley then issues an open challenge for tonight. Lashley tells Lesnar not to worry and promises to retain the title.
The Miz & John Morrison come out to challenge Paul London & Brian Kendrick for the SEX Tag Team Championship. London comes out alone. He waits for Kendrick in the ring, but there are no signs of him. The Miz & Morrison demand that the referee start the match or force London & Kendrick to forfeit the titles. London begrudgingly begins the match without a partner. Despite London’s valiant efforts, The Miz & Morrison thoroughly dominate him.
Assuming that their victory is secure, The Miz & Morrison begin to toy with London. Kendrick struts to the ring as he sings the chorus of “One” by Three Dog Night. He tags himself into the match and then exits the ring. The referee counts to ten as Kendrick struts to the back. The Miz & Morrison are livid that London & Kendrick have retained via count-out, and they assault London to vent their frustrations. Kendrick does not return to the ring to save London.
Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews CM Punk about his plans for the future in the wake of Evolution. Punk admits that re-igniting his feud with Joe also re-ignited a fire within himself. Punk reemphasizes that his only addiction is pushing himself to be the best as he explains his straightedge lifestyle. Edge interrupts the interview before Punk can declare his plans for the future. Edge claims that Punk is exactly that, a punk.
Edge claims that Punk is actually jealous of him and his straightedge lifestyle is just a defense mechanism. Edge explains his lifestyle and the freedoms that he enjoys as a practitioner of sex, drugs, and rock and roll. Edge claims that his lifestyle has kept him in the spotlight for half a decade. Christian interrupts Edge to confront him about their match at Evolution and challenge him to a rematch. Before Edge can respond, Samoa Joe blindsides Christian.
Joe also attacks Punk, leaving him and Christian in a heap with Edge standing over them. Edge accepts Christian’s challenge and reveals that he has agreed to form a little alliance with Joe for tonight. Edge explains that he and Joe are tired of not receiving the respect that they rightfully deserve. Edge then explains that he is altering Christian’s challenge to include Punk. Tonight, Edge and Joe will compete in a tag team match against Christian and Punk.
Matt Hardy & Jeff Hardy come out to the ring. Matt explains that Jeff’s passion for physical poetry cost them their opportunity to become SEX Tag Team Champions. Matt reminds Jeff that it is mind, body, and soul in that order. Soul comes last. Matt claims that Jeff’s reckless nature is the result of his disregard for mind and body. Matt claims he cannot tag with Jeff anymore because Jeff’s reckless nature in the ring poses a threat to Matt’s mind and body.
Matt then explains that he has devised a different method to teach Jeff. Matt explains that Jeff will learn vicariously though Matt’s experiences. Matt then answers Lashley’s open challenge for tonight and orders Jeff to remain at ringside to watch the match. Lashley comes out and thoroughly dominates Matt, securing the pinfall after planting him with a Dominator. Jeff offers to help Matt to his feet after the match, but Matt refuses help from his brother.
HBK summons Alex Shelley & Chris Sabin to his office. HBK explains his plans for them in the wake of Evolution. They have impressed HBK as a tag team, but tonight they will impress him as singles wrestlers. HBK announces that they will be involved in the mini-tournament to crown a first-ever SEX Junior Heavyweight Champion. HBK explains that Shelley and Sabin will wrestle each other tonight to determine who will advance to the finals next week.
AJ Styles & Gregory Helms come out and receive an impressive pop from the audience. Styles reinforces that their partnership is laden with promise and potential for the future. However, Styles claims that he wants to officially redeem himself from his loss to Helms last week. Helms gladly accepts his partner’s challenge but warns Styles that the results may be the same as last week. Styles is willing to take that risk, and he and Helms shake hands.
Michael Cole and JBL reveal that his match will be a semifinal in the mini-tournament to crown a first-ever SEX Junior Heavyweight Champion. Styles and Helms revive their rivalry from last week with another classic match, which features more chain wrestling and high-flying action than their previous match. Styles dodges a Shining Wizard from Helms and responds with a Pelé Kick. Styles then plants Helms with a Spiral Tap to secure the pinfall.
Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews Jeff Hardy about his relationship with Matt Hardy. Jeff appreciates that Matt wants to teach him, but Jeff has an agenda as well. Jeff challenges Bobby Lashley for the SEX Heavyweight Championship next week. Matt interrupts the interview to berate Jeff for lacking moral integrity and wasting valuable time with an undeserved title shot. Matt suspects that Jeff will fail the lesson that he has planned for next week.
The fourth match of the evening features Alex Shelley versus Chris Sabin. The audience applauds as both men shake hands before the match. It almost seems as if Shelley and Sabin are trying to outperform Styles and Helm to make a statement with their match. Shelley and Sabin know each other so well that the match is a virtual stalemate. Ultimately, Sabin plants Shelley with an Over Easy and secures the pinfall with a quick Oklahoma Roll.
Brian Kendrick confronts HBK to complain about not being involved in the mini-tournament to crown a SEX Junior Heavyweight Champion. In turn, HBK complains about the dysfunctional tag team division in SEX. HBK claims that Kendrick is the poster boy for the division’s problems and orders him to mend his relationship with Paul London or suffer the consequences. HBK informs Kendrick that The Miz & Morrison will receive another title shot next week.
Triple H comes out to address the situation with Randy Orton. Triple H prepares to suspend Orton, but Batista, who wears a heavy knee brace, comes out to protest. Batista demands his revenge, which he cannot exact if Orton is suspended. Orton limps to the ring, mocking Batista. Orton claims that Batista is the better man given that he won at Evolution albeit via disqualification. Orton then warns Batista about demanding a rematch against him.
Orton claims that he will finish the job he started with Batista at Evolution. Despite his bad leg, Batista does not back down. He challenges Orton to a rematch tonight, but Orton declines. Orton claims that he enjoys watching Batista hobble to the ring as a broken man, and he refuses to put Batista out of his misery. Triple H interjects to announce that their rematch will be a “last man standing” match, and it will take place at King of Kings.
Backstage, Josh Matthews interviews Brock Lesnar about winning and losing the SEX Heavyweight Championship. Lesnar claims that he is still the champion in his mind. According to Lesnar, Lashley is a coward and the poor man’s version of Brock Lesnar. Lesnar claims that Lashley may attempt to imitate his success, but Lashley will never be able to duplicate it. Lesnar reminds Cena that it will be in his best interest to rule in Lesnar’s favor at King of Kings.
The main event features Edge and Samoa Joe versus Christian and CM Punk. The match is a chaotic brawl. Between Edge’s underhanded tactics and Joe’s ruthless aggression, Edge and Joe seem to maintain control. However, Christian and Punk have excellent chemistry as a plucky tag team. At one point, Punk even traps Joe in the Anaconda Vice and almost scores another submission against the Samoan Submission Machine before Edge breaks the hold.
Ultimately, Edge spears Christian out of the ring and Joe plants Punk with a powerbomb to secure the pinfall. After the match, Joe applies a chokehold to Punk. Punk taps out, but Joe refuses to release the hold. Edge stomps on Punk’s exposed midsection as Joe chokes Punk until Punk passes out. Christian groggily rolls back into the ring to rescue Punk from further harm, but the damage has been done. For his trouble, Christian receives an Unprettier from Edge.
QUICK RESULTS FOR SEX: LIVE! (06/01/2009):
- The Miz & John Morrison defeat Paul London & Brian Kendrick via count-out.
- Bobby Lashley defeats Matt Hardy via pinfall.
- AJ Styles defeats Gregory Helms via pinfall.
- Chris Sabin defeats Alex Shelley via pinfall.
- Edge & Samoa Joe defeat Christian & CM Punk via pinfall.That's it for this episode of SEX: LIVE! I hope everyone else enjoyed the show as much as I did!