*We kick things off with "The Last Crooner" BILL F'N NEWMAN
serenading the NGW faithful with his splendiferous multi-multi-platinum award-winning hit single Barcelona
You'd think things could only go downhill from there. Normally you'd be correct. But this is NGW, baby! And the fun has just begun!
*If Zbyszko wins Milkman becomes his servant/If Milkman wins he gets a title shot AND Zbyszko must leave town
1. "Living Legend" Larry Zbyszko vs. Jake "The Milkman" Milliman
"The Milkman" is out first to a big pop. The lucky Spudheads in attendance may be packed in tighter than a can of sardines but that doesn't stop them from voicing their support for the #1 cult hero in New Generation Wrestling.
Tina Turner's Simply The Best
heralds the arrival of "The Living Legend" Larry Zbyszko who is most certainly NOT "Simply The Best" since, you know, he just lost the NGW Championship to Paul "Mr. Wonderful" Orndorff a while back. Burn.
Zbyszko grabs the mic. The Spudheads boo. Zbyszko tries to speak. The Spudheads don't let him. This goes on for like five minutes. Zbyszko threatens to walk out. Commissioner George Plimpton comes out to put a stop to that plan. One thing leads to another. Zbyszko uses his wits to convince The Milkman & Plimpton to accept a last minute stipulation. If Zbyszko wins Milkman must become his servant. BUT if Milkman wins he gets a title shot AND Zbyszko must leave town. The "leave town" bit is what finally convinced Milkman & Plimpton to accept.
Zbyszko played them for suckers. "Larry Legend" started off fast (by his standards) and furious. A little too aggressive, really. He made a few uncharacteristic mistakes. Milkman got a couple two counts off rollups but one mistake was all it took to turn the tide. Milkman missed a charge. Zbyszko took him to school. "The Living Legend" was extra saucy in this one. Everything he did had a little extra oomph. Milkman fought him hard. He fought him well. Out in that ring he gave him hell. But Larry Zbyszko was too much. He showed just why he is "The Living Legend." This was the man who retired Bockwinkle and Sammartino. This was the man who held the AWA Title for the better part of two years. This was a legend at the top of his game. Finally the Lord of Larryland finishes things off with a piledriver. Then he had the gall to make a spent "Milkman" wipe off his sweat and polish his boots. Oh, this is going to suck
Poor Milkman. Poor Plimpton. Poor Spudheads. Poor everybody. Except Larry Zbyszko. Who sucks. And we hate him.
2. FBI (JT Smith & Cousin Sal) vs. Extremists (Hack Myers & El Puerto Ricano)
The Extremists entered to golf claps accompanied by the classic Harry Slash and the Slashtones ECW theme which, despite being super cool, means next to nothing in 1995 Baltimore.
The FBI entered to the theme from Rocky
which is going to have to change if they want to remain heels because it's impossible to boo anybody who enters to the theme from Rocky
. But JT Smith is a professional who quickly got the crowd back to booing him and his partner with heel antics once the music stopped.
The FBI controlled most of the way. EPR took a hellacious beating from Cousin Sal while JT Smith taunted and directed traffic. Hack came in for the hot tag after a missed elbow drop. "The Shah" had a brief flurry of offense before running into Cousin Sal's "Sincerely Yours" Full Nelson Slam which The Patriot cannot be happy about. JT followed up with The Italian Job (Harlem Hangover) for the win. Cousin Sal hit Sincerely Yours on EPR from the apron to the floor after the match just to be a jerk while JT continued to taunt the booing crowd. Sick bump by EPR. It looks like this new FBI tandem is going to be a force to reckon with. One cannot help but wonder what becomes of The Extremists after this.
3. Maxx Payne vs. Toru Yano
Toru Yano enters to Ninja
by Europe which causes him to get some cheers until he spits water on the ringside fans and taunts them with his best-selling VHS tape to increase the boo birds.
Maxx Payne enters to Am I Evil
by Metallica and is mostly cheered aside from a few frightened children and disapproving senior citizens.
Yano brought all his world class heel antics. Hooking the tights on rollups....undoing turnbuckle pads.....using a wide array of weapons stuffed into his pants....but all his tricks were not enough to overcome the always-angry metalhead. Yano scored almost a dozen two counts but found himself trapped in Payne's lethal Payne Killer armbar after one fatal mistake. The brainy Yano tapped almost immediately to live and fight another day rather than risk injury. Could this signal the end of the long-running Payne vs. Mensa feud? I bet Mensa hopes so!
4. "The Mighty" Yokozuna vs. Team America (Erik Watts & Steve "Mongo" McMichael)
Being forced to choose between Okie From Muskogee
or Sweepin' The Nation With The T-Formation
is a decision with no right answer so Watts & Mongo did the wise thing by entering to Johnny Freedom
by Johnny Horton. The patriotic footballers handed out American flags to the ringside fans who greeted the heroes with a huge pop.
The roar dissipated to a silent awe as the 568 pound newest Foreign Fanatic slowly sauntered down the aisle to his soothing entrance theme.
Mongo & Watts tried. They really did. They fought the good fight. But Yokozuna was just too mighty. The sauropodian sumo specialist seemed bored as he shrugged off every feeble forearm and flying football tackle the good guys could muster early on before finally flipping the switch and just annihilating the American heroes. Superkick to Mongo. Belly to belly on Watts. Leg drop to both simultaneously. Yoko stacks his victims up like cordwood with Mongo on the bottom. NO! Don't do it! Yoko does it
Banzai Drop. The good guys are now flat as a Scott Norton flapjack. 1-2-3. You can count to a million. Watts & Mongo are done. Maybe forever. The Mighty Yokozuna just might be the most dangerous member of the most dangerous faction in wrestling today.
#1 Contenders Match
5. Mensa (Dean Douglas & The Genius) vs. The Texicans
It's the Battle of Great Entrance Music! Wait....pretty much every NGW match is a battle of great entrance music. But at least this was no exception!
This was a solid piece of business. Texicans took over early with wild brawling and cheeky rule breaking (which is TOTALLY DIFFERENT from...rulebreaking rulebreaking). Mensa then took over with THE BAD KIND OF CHEATING and stayed in control with holds, technique, and....more cheating. The crowd got more and more into it as those Mensa jerks continued the cheating and weardown hold until finally the Texicans caught a break when The Genius missed a moonsault. Tex lunges.....hot tag to Shanghai! The future HOG is a house of fire with rights and....more rights because he doesn't have much offense! It's breakin' loose in Tulsa! Double noggin' knocker! Slop Drop! 1-2-3! The Texicans have just defeated Mensa when Shanghai Pierce pins The Genius! That has to be considered a mild upset. The Texicans are now #1 contenders to the tag titles.
6. NGW Tag Team Championship Match w/ Special Guest Referee Darryl Dawkins
Quebecers (c) w/ "All American Boy" Raymond Rougeau vs. New Rockers
Special guest referee Darryl Dawkins enters to some boss music from Dazzling Dunks and Basketball Bloopers
. The man from Planet Lovetron gets an ovation worthy of his awesomeness.
The New Rockers blatantly pander to the Europe
-loving crowd by coming out to Rock The Night
by The Greatest Band of All Time TM
And the Quebecers enter to their JUNO Award winning theme. You know, we should probably just give up this whole wrestling thing and enter the music industry.
This may have been the most fast paced, high energy match in the relatively brief history of NGW. There were double teams and switcheroos all over the place. Not even an experienced ref could have kept up with all the chaos. And that was even before one Ray Rougeau got involved. We threw poor Darryl Dawkins into the deep end. He tried. He really did. And he was fair. He scolded the Rockers for cheating just as he did with the Fabulous Quebecers. But in the end a series of switcheroos and some Ray Rougeau interference proved too much for the Rockers and a novice referee to overcome. Quebecers score the pin on Marty following Le Cannonball while Ray Rougeau held Leif Cassidy's feet so he couldn't interfere.
7. Scaffold Match
New Breed vs. Teddy Hart
I guess the Beastie Boys are kinda sorta cool.....maybe...if you say so. But this is 1995 Baltimore where Europe reigns supreme! So the New Breed enter to In The Future To Come
by the Greatest Band of All Time TM
. Crowd was mostly responsive to their theme but the ovation kicked up a notch when the New Breed finally enter the DuBurns Arena after a delay. In a UFO. Because NGW is the best. The spaceship drops them off on top of the scaffold.
Teddy Hart enters to Lose Yourself
by Eminem and he totally can because he's from the future. Duh. Teddy is wearing his nicest oven mitt pants for this one. He gets a split reaction. Until he presses a button on his boots. This causes his boots to emit smoke which enables Teddy Hart to fly. He flies around a bit slapping hands with cheering fans and ignoring the boo birds before finally flying up to the scaffold.
As expected given the three eccentric daredevils involved, this was the wildest scaffold match in history. More was done in this scaffold match than every other scaffold match put together. Frankensteiners, slams, suplexes, and flips....so many flips....were executed high atop the scaffold. New Breed controlled most of the way because, duh, it's a handicap match so two should always have the advantage against one unless the one happens to be a beast like Yokozuna. Teddy was dumped over the edge several times but he was always saved by activating his magical Seven League Boots before crashing to the canvas. And Teddy did have his moments. Once he dumped Champion over and another time he dumped over Royal but both times the New Breeders landed on top of their spaceship and managed to climb back to the scaffold. The New Breed finally seemed to have things in hand after unbooting Teddy Hart and setting up the Flux Capacitor...
Then they shift position. NO! Don't do it! Flux Capacitor from scaffold to the floor! Good gawd, Claude! All three men tumble over the edge! They're gonna be broken in half......
But the spaceshift catches all three men just a few feet before they fall to their probable death. The lights go out. We hear a "WHOOSH" sound. The lights are back on. The spaceship is gone and all three men with it.
No contest? To be continued? Who was flying the spaceship?
The heck if I know! So many questions. So few answers....
8. Triple Threat Match for the NGW Championship
"Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff (c) w/ Gary Spivey vs. Ludvig Borga vs. The Patriot
The Patriot hailing from "Your Hometown" is out first to the Star Spangled Banner
. He gives American flags away to the handful of fans who didn't receive them earlier from Watts & Mongo.
The already-loud "USA" chants only increase when Ludvig Borga walks with out with a scowl while the Finnish national anthem plays.
And finally the NGW Champion "Mr. Wonderful" Paul Orndorff walks out to his epic opera-style theme accompanied as always by the man who turned his career around, Gary Spivey of the Psychic Friends Network
The crowd is buzzing and rightfully so given the match they are lucky enough to be witnessing could main event any arena in the world. They roar as Patriot & Mr. Wonderful unite to throttle "The Helsinki Hammer." The would-be revolutionary seems flustered for the first time in his NGW career. JR and myself take this time to remind the crowd that this is first pin or submission. Commissioner Plimpton did grant Borga that one concession since he knew Orndorff & Patriot would just unite to take out their mutual adversary were it an elimination match. Patriot & Orndorff fight each other at about 50% while Borga collects himself on the floor. Neither good guy is especially willing to go all out on the other. It's kind of cute, really. Borga tries sneaking in with some of his patented kidney punches to no avail. He takes another powder. Borga is fuming on the floor while his talk of 'conspiracies' is eerily reminiscent of earlier rants from Larry Zbyszko. Borga takes matters into his own hands when he punches Gary Spivey right in the face. What the heck, man?!? That's just uncalled for! Orndorff stops play-fighting with Patriot to check on his mentor. Kidney punch! Oh, Ludvig, you cad! Borga lands a few more before Patriot rushes to Orndorff's aid. What's this? Now Yokozuna waddles out of the dressing room. He stands atop the ramp. And behind him the Fabulous Quebecers have a rumpled George Plimpton! Is there no depths to which the Foreign Fanatics will not sink?!? The Fabulous Quebecers harass Plimpton. Patriot leaves Orndorff's side to go help The Commish. Too bad there's a 568 pound mastodon blocking his path! Patriot gallantly fights all four men while back at ringside Ludvig Borga rubs his hands together and flashes a sadistic smile. Orndorff is coughing up blood from a series of kidney punches! This did not look good even before Orndorff was posted. Now he's wearing the crimson mask while continuing to cough up blood as the Patriot is subdued by the other four Foreign Fanatics. The only bright spot in this sordid scene is seeing Plimpton flee to the relative safety of the dressing room. Borga ups the ante from kidney punches to slams and suplexes with various drops sprinkled in. The Fabulous Quebecers hold Patriot by his arms and legs. Yokozuna sits on him. Patriot's eyes watch the ring. They see a bloody Orndorff hoisted up in the Torture Rack. Patriot twists and turns. He squirms and shimmies. All in an attempt to break free of his captors. But it is all to no avail. The Patriot cannot free himself. Orndorff refuses to quit. The crowd throws trash. They cheer and chant. "USA! USA!" they say. They call for all their heroes. Watts and Mongo. The New Breed and Teddy. Maxx and Milk. Rockers, Texicans and more. But nobody answers the call. The ref lifts Orndorff's arm.
We have a new champion
His name is Ludvig Borga.
The New Breed were right all along.
The Foreign Fanatics rush the ring. Trash fills said ring. It doesn't matter. The Foreign Fanatics rule the world. Borga's band of revolutionaries are in their glory. They celebrate their hostile takeover. Yoko hugs the champ. The Fabulous Quebecers strap the belt around Borga's waist and point at their own belts just to remind the NGW Universe that the Foreign Fanatics rule the world. The foul four lift Borga on their shoulders so he can survey his kingdom. Or more importantly his new kingdom can survey its new king. This doesn't last long because a few angry fans try rushing the ring. They get pummeled. Borga rants and raves on and on in Finnish, finally ending with this....
While his anthem plays on a seemingly endless loop....
A Last Look At Eden
indeed. It started out so well. NGW was going to be the promised land. And now disaster has struck. The New Breed were right all along. Damn you, Teddy Hart. Damn you straight to hell.
Let's look at how this horrible night for a curse has went so far.....
1. Larry Zbyszko beats Milkman. Milkman must now become his servant
2. Those FBI jerks annihilated the Extremists
3. Maxx Payne did manage to sneak past Toru Yano
4. Yokozuna squashed America's Heroes Mongo McMichael & Erik Watts
5. The Texicans scored another one for the good guys by beating Mensa
6. Those damn Quebecers cheated their butts off to beat the New Rockers
7. The New Breed & Teddy Hart divorce reached irreconcilable differences. All 3 men were flown away in a....spaceship.
8. Ludvig Borga: Horrible Human Being is the new NGW champion
Yep. This night sucks. The only two good guys wins were by Maxx Payne & The Texicans, and Maxx Payne & The Texicans are hardly the types to slap hands and kiss babies. Will nobody answer Bonnie Tyler's call? Are there no heroes left in NGW?
NGW management sends out Bill f'n Newman
in an attempt to placate the hostile crowd. Newman is starting to tire of playing Barcelona
over and over again. Too bad his other songs suck. Your Love Is Like Smoke
and Finders Keepers
are met with an extremely hostile response as the NGW audience comes to the sad realization that Bill Newman is just another one hit wonder. Don't get me wrong. His one hit is spectacular. I mean Barcelona
is Hall of Fame status. No doubt. But when you get right down to it "The Last Crooner" is just another Dexy's Midnight Runners, Lipps Inc. (more on them later) or, (dare I say it?) Timmy T. Finally Bill gives in and plays Barcelona
. The dulcet tones of Mr. Bill Newman manage to calm the crowd down just enough to keep Baltimore from turning into another Jonestown.
Bill Newman: One hit wonder. Lover of Barcelona. The hero NGW needed at that particular moment in time.
9. WAR GAMES
NGW Women's Champion Lana Star/Patti Pizzazz/Spirit Squad
Fire & Ice/Reggie Bennett/Iceman Parsons
Don't ask me to explain the entry system. It's above my pay grade. Mensa worked it out.
Mikey & Mitch of the Spirit Squad enter more perky and obnoxious than ever to a crowd wanting to boo. And boo they do! The two Spirit Squadders get some nuclear heat.
Scott "Flapjack" Norton enters to Boyazont
by Europe because the clever folks running the show realize Europe works best for winning this crowd back.
Norton owns the two cheerleaders with slams, clotheslines, splashes, and Vader Bumps. His exuberance seems to have won the crowd back entirely.
Kenny of the Spirit Squad enters next. Norton still holds his own until the Spirit Squad finally manages to capitalize on the 3 on 1 advantage in the final 30 seconds.
Unfortunately for the Spirit Squad, Ice Train makes their advantage a short-lived one when he comes in with clotheslines, Vader Bumps and avalanches for the trio of cheerleaders. Norton & Train club forearms, Bash Brothers-style, to the delight of a once-again fully functional crowd.
But the fun is short-lived when Spirit Squad members Nicky & Johnny enter. They cheer less than their partners. Hmm.... Johnny & Nicky actually manage to look competent. They have more success with their flying and athleticism in 30 seconds than the other three Squadders had in minutes. Fire & Ice look to be in some
degree of jeopardy for the first time since forming as a Nicky & Johnny hit a bunch of superkicks and Johnny Go Rounds.
Luckily for them Reggie Bennett is in next! And Big Reg ain't afraid to throw down with the menfolk! She steamrolls Mikey with a charge. Clothesline to Mitch. Back body drop to a charging Kenny. Oh no! Johnny & Nicky set up a double superkick! NO! They are clobbered by Fire & Ice before the move can be delivered. The good guy trio tosses Kenny, Mitch and Mikey around while Johnny & Nicky, to their credit, do manage some escapes and brief flurries of offense.
It's Patti Pizzazz! Patti takes almost the full two minutes before entering the ring. Not that she's necessarily afraid, though she is
terrified of Reggie Bennett. She just has to do Lana Star's bidding first. First she unrolls Lana's red carpet. Then she has to make sure there are no wrinkles. For Lana Star hates wrinkles. All this housekeeping takes a considerable amount of time. Meanwhile, Fire & Ice & Reggie are pummeling the Spirit Squad, though the pesky duo of Johnny & Nicky fare better than their companions. Patti finally enters. She goes for Reggie because that is what Lana instructed her to do. A bored Miss Bennett (that reminds me I really need to do a Pride & Prejudice
gimmick at some point) flings Patti away with one hand. It goes on like this for a while. Reggie just wants to fight the Spirit Squad, which she is more than capable of doing, but Lana instructed Patti to stop Reggie, and Patti tries her little heart out in an attempt to do her mistress' bidding. So Patti continually interrupts Reggie's beatdowns of the Spirit Squad, only to be flung off again. Rinse and repeat. Finally the moment every NGW fan has been wanting for arrives with the introduction of "The Fabulous" Lana Star.
The crowd reaches a fever pitch as they chant "Reggie's gonna kill you!" and "Face your fear!" while Lana takes her good ol' time walking to the ring. She spots a wrinkle and yells at Patti while Patti is in the midst of yet another futile attack. Reggie flings her away again. Patti shouts "I'm sorry!" in mid flight. The Spirit Squad have once again been subdued by Fire & Ice. Patti reaches into her trunks to pull out the dreaded Lana Star Mirror once she finally comes to. Reggie waits for Lana. Patti whacks Reggie in the back of the head! Reggie merely shakes her head and turns around. She doesn't want to do it but Reggie has no choice other than to treat Patti as a pesky mosquito who just won't go away. Reggie hoists Patti up for a slam while Fire & Ice keep the Spirit Squad at bay. Lana quickly puts one foot in the ring. I've never seen her move so fast! But what's this? Lana retreats before the cage door can be closed. What? No! Say it ain't so! Lana has officially been in the match. Now she is retreating! Oh, that Lana Star! She blows kisses to her "adoring fans" as she retreats up the aisle.
But what's this?!? It's Randi Rah Rah! Randi Rah Rah is in the newly named NGW Arena! HUGE pop!
Randi was wearing an eyepatch because Lana blinded her with her fragrance Lanatude
at one of our very first events. Lana looks like she's seen a ghost. And her fright only grows when Randi removes her eye patch to reveal.....
Lana Star has nowhere to run! Randi is fixin' to get some sweet, sweet revenge! Randi applies a headlock. And uses said headlock to subdue Lana until the cheerleader can roll Lana into the ring. Kenny, Mitch & Mikey greet their former(?) friend with this cheer.
Randi! Rah Rah!
Randi! Rah Rah!
Even Patti gives her former partner a shy wave. Johnny & Nicky just smirk and snicker like they're too cool for school.
But that Lana is a quick one! She keeps running away from Reggie Bennett. Who knew the girl could climb so well?!? Lana scales the cage like Seinfeld
's Newman scales trees! Did she spend her youth as a forest ranger in the Pacific Northwest? Could Lana Star, of all people, have hidden depths? I suppose anything is possible here in NGW!
But those questions will have to go unanswered for now because Funkytown
by the aforementioned Lipps Inc. signals Iceman Parsons' return to competition! The charismatic Iceman dances his way down the aisle slapping hands with the roaring ringside regulars. Butt Butts for every member of the Spirit Squad and high fives all around for the good guys! Fire & Ice...& Ice decimate the Spirit Squad. Reggie is more concerned with finally getting her hands on that no good Lana Star but Lana continues to climb out of Miss Bennett's reach while Patti keeps interrupting Reggie's rage like an unwanted pest. Lana hangs upside down from the top of the cage like a bat. A bat! This is what Lana Star has been reduced to! Oh, and she yells like the entire time. The NGW crowd wishes they brought earplugs. Randi Rah Rah reminds outside cheering for the good guys but occasionally stops to share a friendly word with Patti, Kenny, Mitch & Mikey. Patti desperately hangs onto the cage door as Reggie tries pulling her off. She joins Lana in screaming while hanging on. Reggie pulls. Patti hangs. Reggie pulls....the cage door right off its hinges! What strength! Finally the good guys decide to end this massacre. Johnny & Nicky are simultaneously powerbombed into two remaining sides of the cage by Norton & Train. The cage wobbles but not enough for Lana to fall from her belfry. Iceman locks Mitch in a sleeperhold. Ice Train puts Mikey in the full nelson. Norton hoists Kenny up in a Canadian Backbreaker. Reggie subdues Patti with a Torture Rack. Lana continues to hang from the ceiling and scream. Randi cheers her friends on from the floor. Mitch falls asleep as Kenny, Mikey & Patti all submit at the same time. The good guys have won! Lana continues to hang. Reggie wants to go after her. Alas! She does not have the climbing skills necessary to reach the surprisingly spry Lana. That no good Jezebel Lana Star once again escapes retribution
But that is just one small blight on what was a solid win for the good guys which was rare on this awful night. At least the NGW faithful went home happy.
Until we meet again....
This is Claude Baker from New Generation Wrestling signing off.