The time is near. In just six nights, the WWE Universe will have to decide who will carry the torch onwards as the WWE Champion. Tonight, the two candidates will get one final chance to make an impression, in the hopes of turning the campaign in their favor just in time for the big day.
First, we have...
WWE CHAMPION CM PUNK
In the lead-up to his first term as WWE Champion, Mr. Punk made grand speeches with sweeping promises of change. Mr. Punk inspired the WWE Universe, believing that this was their chance to finally see the company head in a new direction. However, many would argue that Mr. Punk has not delivered on his promises, and that they were mainly propaganda to get him in the seat. Indeed, Mr. Punk has taken on a new platform of "Respect" in recent months, and the Universe doesn't seem to be buying into what he says anymore.
If re-elected, Mr. Punk promises:
- Tax cuts on CM Punk merchandise
- Free health care, provided the patient says CM Punk is the Best in the World
- A renewed focus on foreign affairs, especially the countries who respect CM Punk the most
- Continuation of PBS funding, including a new show entitled "CM Punk Street," which would feature cartoon versions of Mr. Punk, Colt Cabana, and Paul Heyman, along with a character named "Vince the Grouch"
- Withdrawal of troops from various military bases, so that John Cena can't salute them anymore
And now onto our next candidate...
Mr. Ryback is a relative newcomer to the championship scene, but he has already brought his own brand of innovation to the campaign, adopting a unique food-based platform. He has implied that Mr. Punk will be "eaten alive" in this race, and has gotten crowds to feverishly chant "FEED ME MORE!" in support of their candidate.
If elected, Mr. Ryback promises to:
- Require all members of the WWE Universe to eat a minimum of five meals a day
- Open a Subway on every street corner
- Cut taxes for the middle class, so that they can continue to live without fear of going hungry
- Eliminate all the jobbers, thus increasing the number of available jobs
- Destroy CM Punk
Who will make the biggest impression in this last confrontation between the two candidates? Tune into the USA Network's coverage of WWE Monday Night Raw to find out!